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December 19, 2012

12 Ways To Get On Santa’s Naughty XXXmas List This Year

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By Lola LePaon

The holidays are a festive time to reflect on the year with the ones you love. It’s a time for great food and quality time with your loved ones, but staying with family can put a damper on your sex life. We’ve compiled a list of twelve tips for not getting caught doing the deed, one for each of the twelve days of Xmas.

Mistletoe Missionary – It may not be all that creative, but in missionary you can take advantage of some slow passionate kissing which maximizes your intimacy and minimizes moans.

Your Maids a-milking – Take advantage of a chaotic moment/loud gathering & slip off to a basement or attic (any low traffic area of the house) and sneak in some old fashioned groping. You may not complete the deed but making out and getting a handful of forbidden boob while running the risk of getting caught by your parents is kind of exciting. Nothing like making it to second base to jump start your sex life.

Santa Claus is cumming to town – Remember the excitement you felt as a child on Christmas Eve and you thought you heard Santa or could’ve sworn you saw a reindeer in the middle of the night. Bring that back as an adult, by setting a soft alarm on your phone in the middle of the night and surprising your spouse with a midnight romp when not a creature is stirring, not even a mouse.

Stocking Stuffer – For most sex positions you’d have to move them to the floor as there will be a lot of noise otherwise, but for 69 there’s usually not excessive movement and you can’t be too audible when both of your mouths are stuffed.

Blitzen Vixen – If you can’t get away from your accommodations, make it fast. A quickie is ideal. Maybe you both want to get each other going by masturbating in front of the other. By the time penetration happens, you’re almost there.

Snow Blower - In all the holiday fuss your family may have forgotten some items they needed. You can be ever so helpful and offer to run a few errands for your hosts with your lover. Once you’re on the road, the misses can perform oral sex on the way.

Dick the Walls – Depending on how old the bed is where you’re staying you may opt to do this one on the floor. Contrary to what porn tells you, a lot of women prefer slow deliberate strokes. For ladies it’s about hitting the G-spot, not friction. This slow paced style is quieter than the jackhammer method that comes with a quickie. Though because this one takes time, I’d suggest it for the middle of the night.

Frosty the Snowman – Surprise the lady in your life with early morning cunnilingus on Christmas morning. Sure, your face will look like a glazed frosted donut first thing in the morning, but knowing that you want to please her is as just as great a gift as what you have wrapped under the tree.

Chestnuts Roasting – While we’re on the topic of sexual gift giving, another quiet option is to stimulate your man’s penis between your breasts. If you do it right, you get a pearl necklace!

Silent Night - Why not make it a game? Attempt having sex with zero sound. Having to respond to body language exclusively will help you be more in tune with one another even when you’re back home and having loud, wild sex on the kitchen table.

Ho, Ho, Ho! Oh, Oh, Oh! – Toss your bedding on the floor and in the doggy style position, have her muffle her sounds by biting a pillow.

Jingle Balls - It’s not uncommon for people to sing along with the radio in the shower. Let the music and the sound of the shower mask your sex session. Plus, there’s little chance of someone barging in on you.

Additional tips:

- Be sure your room doesn’t share an air vent. Sound traveling through those things will be a dead giveaway.

- Your folks once had young kids once, they know what it’s like. They may offer to take the kids on an outing so you two can have some alone time. If that magical moment happens, seize it!

- If all else fails get a room and opt not to stay with family. All too often work stresses prevent us from getting it on, don’t let those vacation days go to waste too!

posted by: Lola LePaon
to a friend
labels: Lifestyle,Sex

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