How does one review a Bollywood film when Bollywood films are inherently, well … bad? Of course, the glitz and colors and sounds of Indian cinema attract millions of loyal followers worldwide. The genre exemplifies a celebration of life, and who can argue with a film that makes you feel good? However, one might question the merit of the traditional Bollywood fare when the celebration of life comes at the expense of good writing, good acting, and good everything else. Recent films like Slumdog Millionaire have recently introduced the Bollywood genre to the Western public, but for those who aren’t as familiar with what India’s film scene is all about, rest assured that Slumdog is not a Bollywood film. What is, however, is Kites, the new feature produced by Bollywood veteran Rakesh Roshan and directed by Anurag Basu.

If Kites is meant to be critiqued against other Bollywood films, then it provides everything one would expect and hope for – bright colors, overly sentimental music, and a lavish dance sequence. In that respect, it’s a good Bollywood film. But if it’s meant to be critiqued against the Western world’s cinema, then it’s on par with the epic 2003 feature From Justin to Kelly (which, by the way, currently enjoys a 1.6 out of 10 user rating on IMDb). It’s almost unfair to rate Roshan’s and Basu’s feature alongside the types of films that are normally distributed so widely, except that Kites will be receiving the largest global launch of any Bollywood film in history. With such exposure, much pressure is placed on the genre to deliver and show what it’s made of. Unfortunately, the stuff that it’s made of places a premium on form, rather than function. Strip away the music video look and glittery colors and you’re left with something grossly underwhelming.

Mirroring its international distribution, Kites clashes together a hodgepodge of cultures and film genres. The story revolves around J (played by Bollywood heartthrob Hrithik Roshan), a smooth Indian salsa teacher living in Las Vegas. Aside from a series of odd jobs, J is able to pay for the finer things in life by marrying a series of illegal immigrant women (at different times, of course) so that they may obtain their green cards. Unaffected by any of these women, J clearly does what he needs to do to support his comfortable Vegas lifestyle. However, it’s the last of these women, a Mexican named Natasha (Bárbara Mori), that leaves an impression on J. The two quickly lose touch, only to find much later that each is (conveniently) dating siblings – the son and daughter of Las Vegas’s most successful casino owner. As J and Natasha reunite, they fall in love, spoiling Natasha’s upcoming nuptials with Tony (Nicholas Brown), a ruthless and incredibly rich beast who uses his money and power to get precisely what he wants. Through a series of events, J and Natasha run off together with Tony and his armed cronies in pursuit.

Several conveniences bring the film’s lazy writing to light. It may not be very common for an Indian and a Mexican to find each other and fall in love, especially when each does not speak the other’s language. This, however, is briefly remedied when the two find themselves in a van with a driver who just so happens to speak both Hindi and Spanish. Convenient. When the couple finds itself inside an immobile car on the upper deck of a moving car-carrier truck, J is able to release the other cars on the truck onto the highway because he somehow knows how to operate the levers on the vehicle. Convenient. And then he and Natasha drive off in their immobile car without any kind of hot wiring. (Perhaps the keys were left inside.) Convenient.

Kites is pure eye candy. Perfectly sculpted actors. Cars that flip over and explode despite little-to-no instigation. Police officers shooting at non-violent individuals, despite innocent bystanders within firing range.

There’s something to be said about the willing suspension of disbelief, but this film asks too much of its viewers. It asks that they suspend all logic, common sense, and good judgment, which most discerning, Western viewers are not readily willing to do. It also asks its viewers to forgive the mash-up of genres, as the film leaps from music video to romance to action-adventure to American western – and it does not do so seamlessly. Even the film’s title requires some forgiveness on the viewers’ part. The opening scene features two kites dancing through the air like two lovers. The idea that they appear free but are ultimately controlled by someone who pulls their strings is made clear and loosely relates to the film’s love story. Great. However, from then on, the image and thought of kites become completely irrelevant and disappear entirely. The motif would have been much stronger if it played a role in the characters’ story – a missed opportunity that won’t be soon forgotten since it is, well, the film’s title.

At a “mere” 130 minutes, Kites is considered a very short Bollywood film – perhaps done in an effort to appeal to a Western audience resulting from the film’s broad distribution.  Further, it’s almost entirely set in the United States and is largely in English, with Hindi and Spanish spattered throughout. Even American filmmaker Brett Ratner (Rush Hour, X-Men: The Last Stand) worked on an English language version entitled Kites: The Remix, which will be in limited distribution following the original’s release.

Considering the film’s American influences, it would be interesting to take note of the reactions of Bollywood purists. From the American perspective, the Bollywood film that would appeal to Western audiences will likely see little success in American theatres. Perhaps Indians will view the film as being too American, while Americans will view it as being too Indian. Nevertheless, it will be an experiment and a lesson in just how much Bollywood Americans are ready to embrace. Slumdog Millionaire took baby steps in the right direction. Kites, however, takes leaps that far surpass the film’s own ambition.

Kites is in limited release beginning today.

Limité Rating: 1/5

Director: Anurag Basu

Writers: Anurag Basu, Robin Bhatt, Akarsh Khurana, Rakesh Roshan

Cast: Hrithik Roshan, Bárbara Mori, Kabir Bedi, Kangana Ranaut, Nicholas Brown

Genre: Bollywood

Runtime: 130 min.

Release Date: May 21 (limited)

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